As the Battle of the Binky wages on, I sometimes wonder if Levi thinks he’s got a monster for a mommy. In his little head, I’m sure he thinks that I wake up an hour earlier than him purposely to feast on a breakfast bowl of Callous Cornflakes with a side of Merciless Muffins. Then, with Coldhearted Coffee in hand, I go to retrieve him from his crib. Fortified from my Brutal Breakfast, I then strip him of one of the few things he loves above all else… his binky. What kind of person would allow someone to grow an attachment to an object from the day of their birth only to viciously tear it away for no seeming purpose?
He’s completely wrong, of course. First of all, my waking up an hour before him is unrealistic, especially since his yells of “Ma! MA! MOM! MOMMA!” work as my daily alarm clock.
I also don’t eat breakfast. By the time I’m done getting him dressed and fed, it’s lunch time. (No, it doesn’t take me forever… we happen to wake up around 11). Clearly, his theory is already full of holes… wouldn’t you agree? (It’s a gift being psychic, always right, AND humble. Phew!)
Besides, he himself is prepared to battle, as he is armed with the adorableness that clings to children who have just recently awakened. I have a hard enough time not squishing him into a zillion tiny pieces to alleviate the overwhelming violent feelings that insist I destroy the cuteness before I am completely undone by it. (Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you have a ‘cuteness’ downfall somewhere. Baby feet? Puppies? Tiny exact replicas of condiments (like little glass jars of ketchup)? What about Sarah McLaughlin’s commercials featuring abused animals that are so ridiculously sad and adorable that you want to go on a killing spree to eliminate the animal abusers of the world? --I’m starting to ramble… Sorry.) My point IS: it is hard to even stay focused on my goal at hand when faced with such an opponent.
It is no simple thing for me to force myself to do the one thing that I know will upset my child’s entire morning. Do I want him to go from being insanely cute, frumpy, sleepy eyed and snuggly to a screaming cyclone of rage, confusion and pain? You wouldn’t believe the storm of emotion that erupts from him when his binky is removed, and how LONG his tantrums can last. My efforts to make this easier do not work. I have tried to convince him that HE himself doesn’t want his binky anymore, that he is fine with leaving it in his crib for nighttime use only. I have tried to sneak it away by trading it for a piece of food or his sippy cup, and then having it ‘mysteriously’ disappear when he is all done. I have gotten so desperate that I have kneeled in front of him and tried to explain how his binky was affecting the shape of his teeth and his inability to pronounce anything properly. Then, I’ve just steeled myself and taken it from him, repeatedly telling him ‘no’ as he bawled, clinging to my legs and reaching his hand out in a desperate, unspoken plea.
Sometimes, I just feel angry. At times, I am angry at him for making this so difficult. I’ve lost my temper and yelled, and one time I even flung the binky across the room, fed up with his screaming and insane attempts to retrieve it from me. It’s just a binky, for goodness sake! Other times, I feel angry at myself. Of course he doesn’t understand… I’ve handed him this pacifier since day one and taught him to rely on it… now I expect him to just give it up? How dare I yell at him for crying? And then I cry. It’s JUST A BINKY! Why is this so hard??
I’ve tried to figure out why this is such a big deal to me, both the removal of his binky and his reaction to it. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I think I can pinpoint it to an issue of pride, and also underlying anger at having used a binky in the first place. If I can’t teach him to give up his binky, what else will I be unable to teach him? Will everything always be this much of a struggle, and doesn’t this reflect on my abilities as a mother? Why do I have to deal with a screaming monster when the underlying goal here is to help him? I feel more shame than I care to admit every time different friends post statuses about complete sentences their 2 year olds utter. Complete sentences? Levi is still only saying a few words, and he still calls his dad “mommy.” (Although, in his defense, he DOES call him “daddy” when pointing him out in pictures. I don’t get it). If I manage to take away his binky early in the day, he is blatantly more verbal. Therefore, I am led to believe that his keeping his binky will only prevent him from speaking properly or on time.
I’m also worried about how his binky is affecting his teeth. When he closes his mouth, his teeth don’t line up, and his upper teeth are pushed forward creating a perfect space between the upper and lower teeth the exact size of his binky. That in itself angers me, and I sincerely hope it does not affect his adult teeth. I’m angry that I believed the books I read that claimed that binkies no longer affect kids’ teeth. I’m angry that the nurse immediately gave him a binky at the hospital and made me feel like it was okay, when I hadn’t planned on using a pacifier in the first place. I’m angry that a stupid thing like a binky has been the only thing that could calm my child down in the past, instead of ME. I think, overall, I am angrier at the binky itself than at Levi and his unwillingness to part with it.
Now, I know this will eventually be resolved. I just wish that there was an “easy” button instead of having to battle through it, feeling like I’m being unnecessarily mean to my child. I know this isn’t really that huge of a deal… it is JUST a binky… but since this is the war that is currently being waged, I figured I would write about it. I just know in the future I’ll read this and think, wow, why did I think that was so difficult?? If only I’d known what I’d be facing later! Of course, I can also use this as a reference for (possible) future children, in case I forget how hard weaning Levi from the binky was. I don’t want to think, Ehh, why not? Levi used one and we were able to wean him off of it! (After all, I DID forget the pain of childbirth… and if THAT can be forgotten… WELL. I’m surprised I don’t forget my own name, really….but that’s getting off topic.) NEVER AGAIN, Binky, will you reign supreme in THIS house!! I will triumph over you… I WILL!!
…But on the upside (as I do not want this to be a completely pessimistic rant), I have been having some GREAT talks with God lately. He is most definitely helping me with patience, and (refer to previous example) pride. I am learning new things daily, and while I do not particularly like or want to go through these trials, they are definitely bringing me closer to Him, because he is the only one I know who can help me work through my anger/pride/etc. and use these trials to help me change.
So I guess I should be thankful for binkies then?
…Nah.
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