The battle rages on...

As the Battle of the Binky wages on, I sometimes wonder if Levi thinks he’s got a monster for a mommy. In his little head, I’m sure he thinks that I wake up an hour earlier than him purposely to feast on a breakfast bowl of Callous Cornflakes with a side of Merciless Muffins. Then, with Coldhearted Coffee in hand, I go to retrieve him from his crib. Fortified from my Brutal Breakfast, I then strip him of one of the few things he loves above all else… his binky. What kind of person would allow someone to grow an attachment to an object from the day of their birth only to viciously tear it away for no seeming purpose?

He’s completely wrong, of course. First of all, my waking up an hour before him is unrealistic, especially since his yells of “Ma! MA! MOM! MOMMA!” work as my daily alarm clock.

I also don’t eat breakfast. By the time I’m done getting him dressed and fed, it’s lunch time. (No, it doesn’t take me forever… we happen to wake up around 11). Clearly, his theory is already full of holes… wouldn’t you agree? (It’s a gift being psychic, always right, AND humble. Phew!)

Besides, he himself is prepared to battle, as he is armed with the adorableness that clings to children who have just recently awakened. I have a hard enough time not squishing him into a zillion tiny pieces to alleviate the overwhelming violent feelings that insist I destroy the cuteness before I am completely undone by it. (Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you have a ‘cuteness’ downfall somewhere. Baby feet? Puppies? Tiny exact replicas of condiments (like little glass jars of ketchup)? What about Sarah McLaughlin’s commercials featuring abused animals that are so ridiculously sad and adorable that you want to go on a killing spree to eliminate the animal abusers of the world? --I’m starting to ramble… Sorry.) My point IS: it is hard to even stay focused on my goal at hand when faced with such an opponent.

 It is no simple thing for me to force myself to do the one thing that I know will upset my child’s entire morning. Do I want him to go from being insanely cute, frumpy, sleepy eyed and snuggly to a screaming cyclone of rage, confusion and pain? You wouldn’t believe the storm of emotion that erupts from him when his binky is removed, and how LONG his tantrums can last. My efforts to make this easier do not work. I have tried to convince him that HE himself doesn’t want his binky anymore, that he is fine with leaving it in his crib for nighttime use only. I have tried to sneak it away by trading it for a piece of food or his sippy cup, and then having it ‘mysteriously’ disappear when he is all done. I have gotten so desperate that I have kneeled in front of him and tried to explain how his binky was affecting the shape of his teeth and his inability to pronounce anything properly. Then, I’ve just steeled myself and taken it from him, repeatedly telling him ‘no’ as he bawled, clinging to my legs and reaching his hand out in a desperate, unspoken plea.

Sometimes, I just feel angry. At times, I am angry at him for making this so difficult. I’ve lost my temper and yelled, and one time I even flung the binky across the room, fed up with his screaming and insane attempts to retrieve it from me. It’s just a binky, for goodness sake! Other times, I feel angry at myself. Of course he doesn’t understand… I’ve handed him this pacifier since day one and taught him to rely on it… now I expect him to just give it up? How dare I yell at him for crying? And then I cry. It’s JUST A BINKY! Why is this so hard??

I’ve tried to figure out why this is such a big deal to me, both the removal of his binky and his reaction to it. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I think I can pinpoint it to an issue of pride, and also underlying anger at having used a binky in the first place. If I can’t teach him to give up his binky, what else will I be unable to teach him? Will everything always be this much of a struggle, and doesn’t this reflect on my abilities as a mother? Why do I have to deal with a screaming monster when the underlying goal here is to help him? I feel more shame than I care to admit every time different friends post statuses about complete sentences their 2 year olds utter. Complete sentences? Levi is still only saying a few words, and he still calls his dad “mommy.” (Although, in his defense, he DOES call him “daddy” when pointing him out in pictures. I don’t get it). If I manage to take away his binky early in the day, he is blatantly more verbal. Therefore, I am led to believe that his keeping his binky will only prevent him from speaking properly or on time.

I’m also worried about how his binky is affecting his teeth. When he closes his mouth, his teeth don’t line up, and his upper teeth are pushed forward creating a perfect space between the upper and lower teeth the exact size of his binky. That in itself angers me, and I sincerely hope it does not affect his adult teeth. I’m angry that I believed the books I read that claimed that binkies no longer affect kids’ teeth. I’m angry that the nurse immediately gave him a binky at the hospital and made me feel like it was okay, when I hadn’t planned on using a pacifier in the first place. I’m angry that a stupid thing like a binky has been the only thing that could calm my child down in the past, instead of ME. I think, overall, I am angrier at the binky itself than at Levi and his unwillingness to part with it.

Now, I know this will eventually be resolved. I just wish that there was an “easy” button instead of having to battle through it, feeling like I’m being unnecessarily mean to my child. I know this isn’t really that huge of a deal… it is JUST a binky… but since this is the war that is currently being waged, I figured I would write about it. I just know in the future I’ll read this and think, wow, why did I think that was so difficult?? If only I’d known what I’d be facing later! Of course, I can also use this as a reference for (possible) future children, in case I forget how hard weaning Levi from the binky was. I don’t want to think, Ehh, why not? Levi used one and we were able to wean him off of it! (After all, I DID forget the pain of childbirth… and if THAT can be forgotten… WELL. I’m surprised I don’t forget my own name, really….but that’s getting off topic.) NEVER AGAIN, Binky, will you reign supreme in THIS house!! I will triumph over you… I WILL!!

…But on the upside (as I do not want this to be a completely pessimistic rant), I have been having some GREAT talks with God lately. He is most definitely helping me with patience, and (refer to previous example) pride. I am learning new things daily, and while I do not particularly like or want to go through these trials, they are definitely bringing me closer to Him, because he is the only one I know who can help me work through my anger/pride/etc. and use these trials to help me change.

So I guess I should be thankful for binkies then?

…Nah. 

Cartoons: fuel for an impending breakdown and grueling alcohol dependence?

Is it just me, or were kid’s shows 500 billion times better when I was a kid?  I’m sure they probably would annoy me a bit if I watched them now, of course. However, even the ‘good’ cartoons nowadays that I don’t mind Levi watching annoy me endlessly, even if they do have a good moral or teach Levi lessons in ABC’s or other educational subjects. I have an example playing in front of me as I write this:

Word World. I want to go to a fancy restaurant that offers Duck just so I can aggressively tear into it to get out my feelings of frustration and annoyance that I experience every time the Duck in this cartoon opens his lisping mouth and complains. Or how about the st-st-st-stuttering sheep? Why hasn’t she been turned into a luscious meal of braised lamb chops? Is it necessary for them all to have some sort of speech impediment? (Not that I think PEOPLE with speech impediments should be turned into a delicious meal. I’m not sure humans would taste that great, and there are several moral issues with that anyway.) (Also, a disclaimer: I had a speech impediment growing up, which totally allows me to make jokes.)

The Backyardigans...**~shudder~** I’m not sure which of them I hate the most. Tasha is a stuck up, demanding little hippo who bosses them all around. Uniqua (what kind of name IS that?) just annoys me in general...what animal IS she? Is she just meant to be confusing? I won’t even mention how whoever does her voice talks. Like. She. Is. Just. Reading. Her. Script. For. The. First. Time. I can’t even think of the penguin Pablo without wanting to punch him in his obnoxious little beak (although I do enjoy the fact that I was able to unintentionally use alliteration in that sentence). His character is tantamount to a person diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, ADHD, and who has a severe dependency on crack and speed. I suppose I do like Austin the kangaroo and the moose Tyrone most of the time. I don’t actually think I’ve ever been annoyed by the moose, now that I think about it. Now that I’ve written that, I’ve JUST noticed how each of those animals seem to represent a different group of people. I can understand the Canadian Moose and Australian Kangaroo… however, a Latino Penguin throws me for a loop, and are they implying an inherent overweight problem with the American people by using a Hippo for America? Or is she representing Africa?  Is Uniqua, the lizard/chameleon/unknown animal, our rep?  What are they trying to say? Is she a mixture of animals, thus resembling a symbolic melting pot?

I’m just kidding. I’m sure they didn’t put that much thought into it.  

…AND The Wiggles! Who came up with that name, first of all? Was it Captain FeatherSword (I’m not even discussing the innuendo in his name), who just slightly gives the impression of…I don’t know…say… a pedophile? “Come here little kids and sit on Captain FeatherSword’s lap!”

NO.

I almost forgot WONDER PETS. Another duck with a speech impediment and an overwhelmingly suffocating ego that makes you wish she had been made into scrambled eggs as a baby. Her ego is unrealistic considering her inability to say her “r’s.” Believe me, I know, having had the same speech imp. and growing up with a brother named “Aram.” His mockery is what helped me say my r’s without speech therapy. Let’s get with the program, Wonder Pets. She’s not going to fix anything with that ego.

Well, I believe I’ve gotten out some of that angst I’ve been feeling for awhile now. At least there’s still Veggie Tales, which, for the most part, doesn’t annoy me. Junior’s singing voice is a tad grating, considering his voice cracks and breaks on every high note, but that’s about it. At least he’s cute.

In ending, I hope I have not offended anyone who might have (or know, or be related to someone who has) a speech impediment, a love of human meat, a pet duck who lisps and can’t say his “r’s,” or a secret crush on the aforementioned Captain and his FeatherSword. Also, if there are Penguins in Latin America and I’m just ignorant as to where, feel free to enlighten me. I happened to fail World Geography. 

Battle of the Binky

Quitting the Binky

(and a look into the ridiculousness that occurs in my day-to-day life)

Let me start out by saying: I wish I had known from the beginning how shockingly hard it would be to remove the influence of a seemingly innocent and unimportant Binky from my son’s life; I may as well have just started him out on crack. I’m pretty sure he was going to end up addicted to SOMETHING, considering John and I have apparently endowed our child with the very worst of both of our traits, and in this case, I’ve got a terribly addictive personality…so of course, so does Levi. Please don’t think I’m only searching for the worst in my child… he has some pretty amazing traits, too. However, it’s difficult to avoid the feelings of hypocrisy day in and day out when I want to scream when he flings a toy across the room in anger, explodes from impatience, or stubbornly refuses to change his mind about ANYTHING… because I know I am the same exact way. What other excitingly terrible traits did he pick up from mommy and daddy that we won’t find out until later? Can we even handle much more of ourselves?

All in all, it’s nice to have something to blame my random mood swings on. Before Levi, I was just a tad bit crazy. Now I have an excuse…my child makes me crazy. Sometimes, at the end of the day, I look back at the highs and lows of my day and wonder if I was slipped a mood enhancer that works in 3 hour intervals. No kidding… I think that describes me EVERY DAY. Here’s a look at my day:

Morning: Levi is just waking up and looks rumpled, slightly puffy, and SO STINKING ADORABLE that I have to fight intense psychotic urges to eat his little face off. He is typically cuddly in the morning, so as soon as I pick him up, he cuddles into my body, tucking his head under my chin and letting out a sigh of contentment. He has even started to say “thank you” when I pick him up, and OH, MY GOSH, the violent urges that ensue can’t even be written down. I then carry him downstairs, and the entire way, I can’t stop myself from saying, over and over, “Thank you Jesus! Thank you God, what an amazing gift You have given me! I am so blessed!” It is not unusual for me to get a bit misty eyed, I don’t mind admitting. What a gift from God, RIGHT?

Lunch: ….He’s still a gift from God, but this gift is DRIVING ME INSANE!! …Really, Levi, you HAD to pour your milk from your sippy cup into a toy cup, and by toy cup, I really mean the coffee table, floor, and daddy’s shoes, with MAYBE a drop making it into the toy cup? …Okay…I know you’re not actually purposely being bad, you’re just doing normal toddler experiments… WAIT! What is this?? You COLORED in Mommy’s new book?? When your coloring book is RIGHT THERE, and you had to strategically figure out a way to get Mommy’s book down from an inconveniently high shelf? (BREATH, Alicia, BREATH! He’s only two… he doesn’t really know the difference….) DID YOU REALLY JUST DUMP THAT ENTIRE PLATE OF MAC N CHEESE ALL OVER THE CARPET?? And it’s not Easy Mac, NO, it’s KRAFT Mac and Stinkin’ Hard To Make on the Stove Cheese, because Mommy LOVES you and knows you will only eat TWO things currently because you are the Pickiest Child In The World! IT’S NAP TIME!!

Happy Two Hour Land of Nap Time: Thank you God for the gift of Nap Time!

After Nap: More thoughts of thankfulness and happiness as I pick up my frumpy, puffy-eyed, poufy haired child, who toddles around dragging his blanky, looking dazed and REALLY STINKIN’ ADORABLE AGAIN. How am I so lucky to have such a cute little kid?? Aw, of COURSE you can sit on my lap while you drink your sippy cup… You want to eat off of Mommy’s plate? Of course, sweetie! Look at you, being SO SWEET! Thank you God!

Bed Time: Levi! Stop trying to tip over the TV! Seriously?? NO, you CAN’T eat DVDs! Don’t fling them away because I told you to put them down!! No… no… don’t go cry in a corner… oh, you are SUCH a drama king… why do I have such a fussy kid? Is it bed time yet? (I could go on, but by now, I’m sure you get the gist).   

Honestly, I know it sounds like I’m being pessimistic (shocking for me, I KNOW), but the good definitely outweighs the bad (and to be cliché, the good parts make putting up with the difficult parts totally worth it). I have such an amazing kid! He still can’t say very much, but what he can say makes me feel like I’m doing something right… constantly saying “thank you” for everything, “bess you” if someone sneezes, and if he sees anyone get hurt, he will immediately rush over and ask, “awight??” repeatedly until he gets an affirmative response.

Along the lines of his talking, I am hoping he will start talking more, because I LOVE every word that comes out of his mouth (although the “mo” (no) is starting to get a bit wearisome), and this is one of the main reasons we are starting to wean him from his binky. (The other is because I don’t want to attempt potty training AND binky removal at the same time. I’m not superhuman!) I know he’s stubborn and totally attached to the stupid thing, but I can’t get mad about it, because mommy and daddy are the same way… but at least in this process we can help each other work out some of the kinks and hopefully gain more patience, willingness to bend, and learn not to hold so tightly to things that we think are so important. In that light, I’d have to say that this isn’t really going to be the battle I was expecting, but a learning and growing experience, and I hope I can keep that in sight.