Saying Goodbye

It's taken me a bit to figure out what I should write in light of this past week and the sudden passing of my mother-in-law. Usually hard times and stressful situations fill me with words that I need to pour out onto paper - my own form of letting go of stress - because I know doing so will help me sort out my feelings and will, for the most part, leave me feeling lighter. I don't think this is that simple, though, and so I've struggled with knowing what to write. I think --and hope-- I've figured it out, though. 
I don't think I need to write so much about my mixed emotions or doubts. I also don't have to write for other people; write what I think they would expect me to write. Everything may not have been positive, happy, and light, but maybe that's exactly what I need to write about right now...the positive, the happy, the light, along with the sadness. Maybe that's enough.
She was Levi's beloved Nana. Robbie and Gracie's Mama. She was John and Nathan's second chance at a loving mother. And she WAS loving -- her big heart was her greatest asset. She cared about everyone, and always (at times overzealously) tried to help anyone who seemed in need. She housed us and fed us and cared for us. She wasn't perfect; she had her downfalls. But she loved all of us --her family-- and that is what I'll try to hold onto as we move forward.
There is so much more, of course. More happiness, but also unspoken sadness. I still struggle with unresolvable regret. I wish I had visited more. I wish I hadn't felt so awkward telling her I loved her. I wish this was not how her story ended. But mostly I wish, more than anything, that her children didn't have to learn what it is like to lose a mother. My regrets are nothing compared to what they will face in these upcoming days, weeks, months...these years. But now it's our turn to be loving in her stead -- to let her children know that they will still be completely supported and loved. We will be there for them.

I'm not sure where else to take this, because it's not as easy as I thought it'd be to write it out and wrap it up. However, maybe I've written enough for now... written enough to be able to finally say goodbye, for better or worse. I sincerely hope you rest in peace, Meg. We love you.

Gracie, Meg, Levi & Grandma Laura (2012)