Double The Blessing

As I am wide awake at 5am and unable to fall back asleep due to my body's unfamiliarity with receiving a full three hours of sleep in a row between feedings (as opposed to the normal one and a half as of late), I've determined that this is a rare opportunity to write uninterrupted. (I love silver linings!)

Being a mom of two is drastically different than anything I expected. I had so many fears and doubts about adding another child, but am learning daily that, while certain days are still a struggle, I was completely wrong about what this experience would be like.

For me, It is:

Waking up exhausted and struggling to stay awake for a two am feeding, and then, upon completion, finding it impossible to lay Natalie back down because she's doing that thing after eating where she purses her little lips and puffs her cheeks out. The next hour will be spent struggling to control the desperate urge to reign kisses all over said puffy cheeks.

Realizing that having another child hasn't been a detriment to Levi, as I'd so greatly feared, but instead an ongoing blessing and gift, as Levi offers daily, unprompted, to watch the baby while I make food, or races into her bedroom when he hears her cry before either of us do, singing lullabies he painstakingly memorized just for her.

Seeing that Natalie won't be negatively affected by the vast difference in the amount of alone time she receives with mommy and daddy as opposed to all of the one-on-one attention Levi received as an only child. Her delight at the sight of her big brother has made me think that maybe Levi is really the one who missed out.

Learning that it's not as horrible as it seems to be unable to go out as often due to having two children, as well as a baby who hates her carseat and generally dislikes public outings. I am learning to find contentment in other ways, and instead of feeling trapped inside, am focusing on my thankfulness that we have a comfortable home with plenty of entertainment. (Note: I still need to get out occasionally, even if just for a pointless run to Target to save my sanity. I'm not a saint!)

Embracing my role as the main caregiver. What initially felt like the loss of my independence has gradually been turning into a deep appreciation and genuine love of being a stay at home mom. Losing the feeling that my freedom is being taken from me and instead embracing the actuality that taking care of my family is my choice has opened my eyes to the fact that I haven't lost anything, but gained so much more than anything I could have hoped for by myself.

I know there is so much more, but I will save that for another time when I'm awake at 5am and can't sleep. I just wanted to write this out for a couple reasons: One, so Natalie can read this when she is older and see that we in no way regretted adding another child, and two, so that those friends who are debating and/or are pregnant with baby number two and are struggling with doubts can hopefully feel some encouragement knowing that yes, it will be tougher, but the good outweighs any of the negative so completely that it absolutely makes having another child totally worth it. 

Saying Goodbye

It's taken me a bit to figure out what I should write in light of this past week and the sudden passing of my mother-in-law. Usually hard times and stressful situations fill me with words that I need to pour out onto paper - my own form of letting go of stress - because I know doing so will help me sort out my feelings and will, for the most part, leave me feeling lighter. I don't think this is that simple, though, and so I've struggled with knowing what to write. I think --and hope-- I've figured it out, though. 
I don't think I need to write so much about my mixed emotions or doubts. I also don't have to write for other people; write what I think they would expect me to write. Everything may not have been positive, happy, and light, but maybe that's exactly what I need to write about right now...the positive, the happy, the light, along with the sadness. Maybe that's enough.
She was Levi's beloved Nana. Robbie and Gracie's Mama. She was John and Nathan's second chance at a loving mother. And she WAS loving -- her big heart was her greatest asset. She cared about everyone, and always (at times overzealously) tried to help anyone who seemed in need. She housed us and fed us and cared for us. She wasn't perfect; she had her downfalls. But she loved all of us --her family-- and that is what I'll try to hold onto as we move forward.
There is so much more, of course. More happiness, but also unspoken sadness. I still struggle with unresolvable regret. I wish I had visited more. I wish I hadn't felt so awkward telling her I loved her. I wish this was not how her story ended. But mostly I wish, more than anything, that her children didn't have to learn what it is like to lose a mother. My regrets are nothing compared to what they will face in these upcoming days, weeks, months...these years. But now it's our turn to be loving in her stead -- to let her children know that they will still be completely supported and loved. We will be there for them.

I'm not sure where else to take this, because it's not as easy as I thought it'd be to write it out and wrap it up. However, maybe I've written enough for now... written enough to be able to finally say goodbye, for better or worse. I sincerely hope you rest in peace, Meg. We love you.

Gracie, Meg, Levi & Grandma Laura (2012)

Fooling Fate... The Necessary Mask of Indifference

Throughout the years, I've learned that I can't say certain things out loud without a direct (and sometimes shockingly immediate) backlash from fate. I've had to learn the hard way to tamp down the desire to gloat over victories, no matter how big or small, and instead adopt an air of indifference in the hopes that I can trick The Universe into leaving things as they are.

For instance, a few months ago, I made an egregious error and stated this aloud: "I learned how to properly adjust the tension on my sewing machine finally! This will make everything so much easier now!" ...DOOMED. <--That was the fate of my sewing project that day, and, if I recall correctly, I had tension issues every day after, until I finally had a breakdown and just barely stopped myself from flinging my machine out of the window in a fit of rage. Fate, appeased, moved on, and I learned to appreciate newfound sewing tricks with a blank face and a shrug of feigned apathy.

It is, sadly, a lesson that has had to be relearned upon having another baby. It is HARD to have a baby and not rejoice over certain fortuitous events. "She's sleeping four hours in a row in between feedings at night now!" "I think she's figured out her days and nights finally!" or "She's the most content baby I've ever seen! She's simply happy just laying on her play mat! How easy is that?!" Suddenly, she will wake up every half an hour, all night long. She will sleep for HOURS right before bedtime, despite my attempts to awaken her, and then will happily stay awake all night. And her play mat? Forget that! How DARE I assume I've figured out something that she enjoys?

I can't even mention small victories. "I finally got her to sleep!" is a major--MAJOR--no-no. She will erupt from her sleep in a manner befitting a person who has been dipped in boiling lava--unearthly screaming, flailing about, and gnashing of gums.

John, shockingly, has not learned this lesson yet, as I just found out this past night. Maybe he hasn't been as unlucky as I. Maybe the world hasn't beaten him into submission for things carelessly said in the past. But things are changing...or at least he's not so lucky when in my direct vicinity. (That's actually far more likely.)

We were driving home from visiting a family member in the hospital last night and I mentioned how nice it was that Natalie had slept on the way to the hospital (it's okay to mention past events, as it is too late for those to be spoiled). John blithely stated, "Well, she's not that bad right now! I think she's doing okay!"

I had seconds to stare incredulously at John before hellfire and brimstone started to spew from our tiny baby's pie hole. "How could you?" I whispered, aghast and amazed all at the same time. "Don't you know?!"

Bewildered, John muttered about Natalie making him look like a fool, and I had to explain to him the intricacies involved in enjoying certain things but never allowing that happiness to physically or vocally make itself known. Hopefully he's learned his lesson, because I can't just have him throwing about careless statements that'll transform our child from a sleeping angel into a screaming harbinger of doom and terror.

I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll be able to revel in good fortune. Not today-certainly-that's way too hopeful. Even now--she has just started screaming, sensing that I'm attempting to write without interruption. Perhaps I looked too busy... to focused. I should know better. But I can still hope for the future...