1. Be wary of old ladies at Joann Fabrics.
a. “Oh hello, dearie! What a cute little boy you are! What’s your name? Can you say your name?” …This seems like a normal enough thing for an older lady to gush at my child. I’m used to it, and typically do not mind as long as the admirer doesn’t try to touch Levi. What happened today, however, surpassed the creepiness of patting my child’s head. Levi, not in the mood to talk to strangers, crossed his arms and scowled at the lady who said that to him. She laughed, and I explained that he tends to be shy. Instead of moving on, the woman stood rooted by our cart, completely ignoring me (I’m not even sure she knew I was there, seriously), and continued to talk, LOUDLY, to Levi, like he was simple and would respond if she worked EXTRA hard to get him to talk with her. I started to push the cart to get away from her, and she wandered off a bit in the other direction. Much to my chagrin, Levi turned around and yelled “BYE!” at her back. This DELIGHTED the woman, who whipped around so fast that I wondered if she really was as old as she looked. She RACED back over and proceeded to try to talk to Levi again, who went back to his defensive stance of crossed arms and scowling eyebrows. She finally seemed to take the hint, and I was relieved. I moved over to the fabric section to peruse fabric square bundles, and quickly became immersed in sorting through the different patterns. After about five minutes, however, I heard Levi chuckling, and I looked up to see him peering around the edge of the tall rack I was standing behind. Then I heard quiet whispers, and when I looked, THE WOMAN WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RACK, and she was BENT DOWN so I couldn’t see her over the rack, and was talking to Levi in whispers so that I couldn’t hear! What kind of crazy is that?? I didn’t know, so I immediately took off with Levi and decided to wander around the scrapbook aisles for a bit until the woman disappeared. I stopped to look at a paper pack, and, deciding I didn’t need another paper pack (as I have 30 billion at home), I turned around to SEE THE WOMAN STANDING NEXT TO THE CART, watching Levi… I almost had a heart attack. I said, “Excuse me?” but she wouldn’t even look at me… so I left. I had no idea what to say to someone like that… I’ve been at Walmart and told off people who stand too close to Levi in line, but I had no idea what to say to a normal-looking old lady who was clearly NOT normal. What in the world?
2. Carts at Walmart are even dirtier than I had previously assumed
a. I left Joann’s and headed to Walmart because Levi was out of milk, and figured the craziness that is typically abundant at Walmart would take my mind off of that creepy old lady. I was right. Before even getting into the store, I had to drive through the parking lot to find a spot. On the side of the lot, sitting in a row, were a bunch of homeless looking people, who had several carts turned onto their side. One man was sleeping on top of his, and a ratty couple was making out on top of theirs. Another cart was being used as a changing station for a mom who was waiting for the bus. I was so disgusted that I wiped down the cart I used with about 30 wipes before I let Levi near it. From now on, I’m just going to wear disposable latex gloves when I walk into the cesspool that is Walmart.
3. You can catch a disease just from picking up a gallon of milk
a. I suppose this fits under the dirtiness that is inherent to Walmart, as was touched upon in the earlier story of dirty people and their misuse of the carts. I went to Walmart for three things: 2 gallons of milk, Pepsi for John’s lunches, and ranch. I only left with one extra item: eggs. This is not an awesome example of my amazing self control, but a glaring example that shows just how horrifying the store was today; even I could not stand it for longer than necessary. No random shopping for me today! ANYWAY, milk was my last stop. It had been a pretty uneventful trip once inside the store, and all was going well. There was only one woman ahead of me, grabbing a few gallons of milk, so I waited behind her. Thanks to my close proximity, I couldn’t miss when she let loose a gigantic sneeze ALL OVER the rest of the milk gallons. I LITERALLY SAW THE SPIT AND SNOT PARTICLES FLYING in what was clearly attack formation, splattering all over the gallons. I stood there in shock, and waited for her to turn around and see me staring at her in disgust, but she just looked around, bored, before waddling away to go sneeze all over the cheese section. I stood there for a few minutes, and then finally went and grabbed two gallons of the more expensive milk, because it was in a different compartment and I just couldn’t bring myself to pick up a gallon of the snot covered milk. Had I been forced to grab one of the disease carrying gallons, I'm sure that I would not have been able to stop myself from attacking the woman with it and beating her in the head with the germ infested bottle. I could totally see myself, after twisting off the top, pouring the milk all over her and screaming, “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT????”
Sometimes Walmart makes me go a little crazy in the head.
4. It doesn't matter how long the line is… I will be doomed forever to pick the one that takes forever
a. Walmart was super packed, so the lines were super long. I finally found a line in the self checkout that was decently short, so I raced over to it. Only one older guy was ahead of me, and he only had a couple things in his cart. Gloating and patting myself on the back for finding such a good line, I watched as the guy sloooowly tried to scan his first item. After a good five minutes, he gave up, and asked for help. The employee, a girl with dark eyebrows drawn in a huge upside down V above her eyes, came over and joked with the guy for a good ten minutes. I never even saw her help him scan the item, because my eyes were too filled with rage. After she walked away, he managed to scan his next item, and it was time to pay. I started tickling Levi to keep him from getting antsy, but after another five minutes had passed and the guy still hadn’t moved, I looked up. He was standing there, holding his credit card in one hand, and pointing at the credit card machine with a puzzled look. He stood there pointing at it for quite some time, as though the machine would notice his puzzled pointing and print out instructions. I was about to go ask if he wanted help, but he called over the girl again, who sauntered over and proceeded to laugh WAY too loudly (what was even funny about this situation??), and then told him he was supposed to swipe his card. THAT’S what had him confused??
It figured. He probably knew perfectly well how to use that machine before I stepped into that line, and then promptly forgot it the second the wheels of my cart wheeled into his lane. I wonder if I am cursed.
I learned a lot today. I’m not sure it was all happy lessons, but they were lessons nonetheless. I have learned I need to prepare for the store differently than I’ve been going about it. Usually I just pack a diaper bag and make sure my wallet is in it. Now I need to pack mace, a tazer, sanitizer, latex gloves and an instruction manual for the credit card machine. Good to know. Next time I will be prepared…I hope.
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