Choices [Always a work in progress]

I am learning so much lately.

I like to have these set goals in mind for who I want to become, but I’m realizing—I won’t ever “BE” a certain way. I need to keep making choices, and it will never end.

This sounds so simple—so “duh!,” but I don’t think it’s something I’ve actually realized until now.

There are so many facets of life that fall under this concept. It’s true for those of us who have chemical imbalances and struggle with things like depression and anxiety. It is so hard to accept that we won’t one day be magically better, and that we may feel good for weeks, months, even possibly a year or more, but will inevitably fall back into those same bad feelings.

I hate that I can’t look to the future and have a set answer for how things will be. I like being reassured that one day, things will be better. I will have enough money. I will be in shape. I will be happy. I will be a good person. I will have good friends. I will have a wonderful family, and a nice home.

But life doesn’t work like that. So much is based on choices that we make constantly, and it will never end. We will have things thrown at us that are not by our own choice, but we will have to choose how to respond to them. It’s not fair, it sucks, but it is life.

And I am learning. I have been working to make myself a better person this past year. For the past ten years, I struggled with severe depression and anxiety, and allowed myself to be defined by it, adopting a victim mentality with the vague hope that someday, things would be better. But I had to start making tough choices. I had to stop allowing myself to be a victim. I had to do things completely out of my comfort zone to start getting better.

And I did get better! I was doing so well, and I thought—I’m making it! Just a bit more—just a few more changes, and I will be who I so desperately have wanted to become!

But then this past week happened. Things happened that were out of my control, and they hurt me. It was unfair. It was untrue. But it didn’t matter—it happened, and I have been forced to realize that I am not as set in the ‘new me’ as I’d thought. I felt crushed, and my anxiety washed back over me like it had never been gone. My old thought patterns returned so quickly that I questioned if I had changed at all. I wanted to fight back—to lash out. I wanted to protect myself. I had to grieve over the fact that this ‘new me’ I’d been working towards isn’t actually who I am, but who I am becoming, and I must keep making tough choices and keep moving towards being that person, and it will always be a work in progress.

I really dislike that. I want it to be simple to feel happy. I want to let things just easily roll off my shoulders. I don’t want to feel crushed for days over other people’s actions. I don’t want it to be so easy to slide back into depression. 

And I want others to hurt for making me hurt. I don’t want them to get away with being a horrible person. Why do they get to be this way? It’s unfair. It is bullshit.

But here I am—this is life. And I’m going to make those tough choices. And I know it won’t be a permanent thing, and I will need to make these choices again in the future. I guess it’s good that I’m realizing this now, as it is better to learn late than never. That old me will always be there, those old choices are always an option...but hopefully, I will keep making the better choices. And it’s kind of nice to know I’m not alone in this, as I have friends who I see are constantly working to make themselves better too. We will all experience set backs. We will get defeated occasionally. But we are not our defeats, and we can rest in the knowledge that we aren’t alone in pushing past the set backs to be our best selves.

I can do this <3